For the last ten months I've found myself confronting the struggles of my father's deteriorating mental health. As an expat, the challenges have intensified as I grapple with the intricacies of securing the necessary support in a country where cultural nuances create a unique tapestry. This is the raw account of my journey, delving into the complexities of mental health care in Argentina, where the path to help has often been obscured by unfamiliar terrain and bureaucratic hurdles.
Socially inappropriate behaviors, impulsivity, and lack of regard for social norms...
I first noticed my dad's symptoms in January of this year, but didn't think much of them. After all, my father was never a pleasant guy to be around. Even my earliest childhood memories of him reinforced my opinion that he had always been moody, obnoxious, rude, loud, and a downright bully. But my first clue should have been in February when he lost his temper with me while doing repair work on my house.
I thought he was just being his usual horrible self. In fact, I reminded myself that my father was the number one reason why I didn't want to move to Argentina back in 2012. When he left the United States to retire in South America in 2007, I felt like I was finally free of his tyranny. But fate put me on a collision course with his abusive nature five years later and it's been Hell ever since.
After the incident in February, I told him to leave my house and never return. I was done. I had no intention of ever speaking to him again. I even started calling him by his last name instead of using affectionate terms like "dad."
As far as I was concern, he was dead to me.
Then, in August, my mother sent me a message through WhatsApp and told me that my father had gone insane. I was like "Gee, no kidding, mom! It took you fifty plus years being married to the guy to realize he was crazy?"
She then clarified that she wasn't talking figuratively.
I thought she was pulling my leg. It's not like she and my dad hadn't fought before. Believe me! She's no saint either. My mom isn't exactly someone you would call sane. There were a lot of different incidents with her growing up, but to avoid going off topic, I'll simply mention the time when she chased me around the house with a knife and tried to kill me because I had brought home a bad report card.
Now back to my dad.
So, I asked her what made her think that he had lost his marbles, and she explained that he had threatened to kill her on more than one occasion. He had also accused her of cheating on him recently and apparently brought up an old family friend we had when I was a child and accused her of cheating with that guy, too. So, from my dad's perspective, my mother had been cheating on him for decades. This seemed highly unlikely for four reasons.
- My mom never seemed the least bit interested in anything related to sex.
- She suffers from a dislocated disc in her lower back. Even the slightest roll in the sack would leave her paralyzed.
- This is just my opinion, but I always suspected she was a closeted lesbian. If she would have had an affair with anyone, I don't think it would have been with a man.
- If my father had suspected her of cheating way back when, he wouldn't have waited this long to hurt her.
By this point I was thoroughly shocked and confused and unsure of what to do. Then she explained that my father had repeatedly threatened the realtors that managed the properties my family owns in Cordoba City. According to her, my dad claimed that the realtors were stealing money from us.
I knew that the only way to assess this situation with my father would be to speak with him directly... which is the last thing that I wanted to do.
In the days that followed, my mother continued to message me on WhatsApp to tell me how my father was constantly threatening her and calling her names. It got so bad that she actually had to lock herself in her bedroom. I told her that she needed to call the cops right away, but she came up with excuses why she didn't want to do it.
Two weeks later, my dad called and told me he wanted to speak with me in person. I figured that this was my chance to get some answers straight from the horse's mouth.
When the day came, my dad took me to inspect all the properties we owned and told me how the realtors had placed drug dealers in each of our properties in order to expand their insidious and dangerous empire.
I had to hold back from laughing before asking him if he had any proof. As you might expect, he had none. His only response was that he knew it was true and that was all that mattered. I tried assuring him that the realtors were not doing anything wrong and neither were the renters.
He stood his ground and claimed that he had every intention of buying a gun so that he could use it on the realtors. He also said that he intended to use it on the renters if they didn't vacate our properties right away. But what really scared me was that he added that he would use the gun on my mother.
As of this post, there is no evidence that he has been able to acquire a gun. My mother claims that no one in their right mind would give an 81-year-old man who is seemingly out of his mind a gun, not even in Argentina. But I reminded her that my father has dollars. In this country's current economic crisis, he can offer someone a few extra bucks to look the other way and they will most likely do it.
I once again insisted that she reported him to the police.
Well, she claims that the Argentine authorities will not arrest an elderly man until he actually does something. There's also some kind of rule in this country that takes pity on elderly criminals. Essentially, even if they arrested my dad, he would be released in a few short hours because he's old. My mother's fear is that the moment he gets out of jail he is going to come after her and kill her. This is why she is not reporting him.
So, over the last couple of months, I have been on pins and needles. I haven't been able to sleep much. My eating pattern's off. I find myself unable to enjoy even the most basic things that used to bring me happiness.
I've looked online to see if I could have my dad committed to a psych ward so he can get evaluated. He is definitely not going to go on his own. But I've gone online, made phone calls, and even spoken with some of my students, one of whom is a therapist in Argentina, and they've all told me the same thing. Argentina doesn't force anyone to get a psych evaluation unless there are extreme situations. By extreme, they mean that my dad would actually have to commit a terrible crime first.
The threat of hurting someone is not enough to get someone locked up in Argentina!
I find this so confusion. If I were back home, I would have called 911, explained the situation, and a couple of cops would have come over, evaluated my dad's condition and taken him by force to a mental hospital. I know this because a former coworker had a similar situation to mine and he was able to get his father the help he needed.
Also, in the States, if you tell a doctor or a therapist that you want to hurt yourself or others, you're immediately placed in a mandatory lockdown for a couple of days while they evaluate your condition. This is something I spoke about with the student who is a therapist and she was shocked by the concept. Another student actually told me that he felt that the concept of locking someone up simply for saying that they want to hurt others was barbaric. That's insane! No pun intended. But as I've been reminding myself for the past 11 years, this isn't home, and the rules in Argentina are entirely different.
At this point, all I was doing was burning myself out with stress, but I had no idea what to do next. Meanwhile, my mother went to a women's shelter and women's support group for help. Sadly, they couldn't help. They told her that she had to report my dad to the police and even then, it was doubtful that they would be able to do much to keep her safe.
My mom figured that she would be safe as long as she stayed out of his way and continued to lock herself in her room whenever he was around. But last week my dad took her keys away, which makes her extremely vulnerable. So, we've looked into buying her MACE and possibly a stun gun.
Meanwhile, new delusions continue to plague my father's mind. Even the slightest response to a question alters his perception of what he believes to be true.
At first I thought that he had Alzheimer's. The only thing is that his memory is completely intact. It's his personality and his more aggressive than usual behavior that has me thinking that he has some form of dementia. But there's no way to diagnose him because he refuses to go see a doctor.
We don't have a support system in Argentina that can assist, and the authorities and medical personnel are no help whatsoever. So for now, it's a waiting game to see what happens next.
I can only hope that this situation doesn't end in tragedy.
